we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
