Jerry, you need to find god
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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