im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
We left the knife in your bed.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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