Me. At least after what I've been through.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
