apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
