I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
