i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
When did angry sex become our thing?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
where are my eyebrows?
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