i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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