well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
