OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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