ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
