that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
