There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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