the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
