The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
