Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
