mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
