My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
