Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
