guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
