Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize