I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
dude. I can hear the air.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
