I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
