The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
