Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
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