Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
