I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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