My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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