I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I see more hoeing in ur future
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