My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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