I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
And then he peed in my hair
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