YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
