I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
