So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
