Cold hands, warm shart.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I just gargled with NyQuil
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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