It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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