We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
