I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
