your parents love me but you hate me
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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