Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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