I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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