i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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