i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
