So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
