oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
