Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I fill condoms, not promises.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
