I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
