dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
