are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
