smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize