my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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