my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
