im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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