Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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