I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
