While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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