I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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