Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
