He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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