and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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