Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize