Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
