His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
