My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
We have started to decorate penises.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
