one word: firstdatebathroomanal
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
